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Affective dependence

“When he/she calls me, I can't say no. Later, as usual, he/she dissapears and I feel a lot of anger because I couldn't say no”. “I think about him/her all the time. I can't concentrate about anything else”.
“Every time I think about ending this relationship, I panic”.
“When he/she doesn't call me, I cry, become distressed, I can't sleep or eat and end up feeling depressed”.

These phrases are said often but the people who suffer an affective dependence. It is a more common sickness that what one might think.

In the same way as a drogadict, an alcoholic or a gambler, this person can't set himself free of this dependence, he also feels unable to get out from a destructive relationship. Making himself trapped and miserable.

There are also people who tell that they lost the amount of times that they broke, ended the relationship, and then came back, unable to live their lives without this person, no matter how much suffering he brought to their lives.

The animals, when they are very young, become independent from their parents, and when they insist on wanting to suck from her mother, get nothing but a kick out. But on the other side, we, as human beings, are very fragile, and during a long time, we are completely dependent on our parents. We call this primary symbiotism when there is a healthy dependence relationship between mother and baby, in the same way as it happens with all beings in the nature. On the other side, we call secondary symbiotism when the dependence continues and in many cases goes on to the end of life. This kind of dependence only exists between humans and no other animals, even those who live in communities. In this way, many men and women reflect this on their love relationships. So a man who had a very posesive and controlling mother, might unconscionally reproduce this kind of relationship, looking for woman with a similar profile.

Loving isn't something negative at all, it is always something positive, that brings happiness and joy to people, but it is when that happiness becomes broken and control, fear, and dependence takes place that we are no longer talking about a healthy feeling.

Some of the symptoms of affective dependence are:

- Losing interest in yourself, a decrease on self-esteem.
- Lack of personal care
- Sudden increase or decrease of appetite.
- Lower performance at work or studies
- Constant urge to know what the other person is doing
- Fear

What to do about affective dependence?

The first and most important step, it is recognize the problem itself. You must recognize that to love is not to suffer. You must understand that pushing your partner toward you, or being pushed your partner, isn't the way to live a proper relationship, as freedom and understanding should be the basis of any relationship.

The second step is to improve self-esteem and self-confidence. As this happens we give more freedom and we care more about ourselves, respecting each other.

The third step is to look for help, from friends, relatives and finally from proper specialists.


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